Day 32


It’s not so much a piece of music today – though the video is accompanied by music – but real-time art. This is Kseniya Simonova, the 2009 winner of ‘Ukraine’s Got Talent’, and deservedly so. In this piece of art she is telling a story of the Ukraine from the days of the Tsars, through revolutions and World War. Her talent is astonishing and remarkable and beautiful.

No great revelations to share today except a couple of things I already knew about myself. 1 – I have never been able to complete an assignment without a deadline less than a week in front of me. 2 – my self-confidence is such a fragile thing as to be essentially non-existent. This second one can feed the first and I am in that situation now.

A weak belief in self means that if someone in a position of authority or whom I respect questions a choice I found difficult to make, it wipes out the foundation of that choice. You may say that that means I probably made the wrong decision in the first place but that’s not always so. I am specifically speaking of a decision to return to education to study Engineering. I know that improving myself through education is good and important. It is important to my self-esteem and the way I see my value in society, among other things.

Six months ago I began a preliminary course to get ready for a Bachelors degree. I was doing really well for the first 3 months or so, which is of course when this decision was questioned. I was already worried that I couldn’t do this, that my emotional and family situation would interfere, and this swept away my confidence. I have struggled to keep up since. The course ends on Thursday. I started the final assignment 2 days ago.

I don’t know why I do this to myself and I know how it goes so I don’t know why I keep trying to be more. (Yeah, today hasn’t been so great.)


Anyway, it was kind of a relief to be knitting just a small square for the blanket today. In the last week there have been 4 trapezoids, and 2 rectangles. And we remember that 2 of those trapezoids needed patterns which were problematic.