Day 82

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day 82

A pretty turquoise coloured small square today. Still not sure I’ve made the best construction decision with this section but it’s what I’m doing so we’ll move on.

 

An earworm that has been harassing me all day. Meet one hit wonder Chesney Hawkes with ‘The One and Only’. I hereby entrust it’s care to you.

(It could have been Cliff Richard with ‘Wired for Sound’. You decide which is worse…. 😉 )

You’re all probably sick of me talking about the depression and anxiety. Unfortunately for you, dear reader, it is a big part of my life and it leaves me fragile when dealing with other people. I am confident in who I am, until I am with people who don’t have to love me. I grew up on the edges of my peer groups. I never seemed to fit in and I didn’t enjoy many of the things my peer group did. I liked my grandparents. I liked my parents. I liked reading and time on my own. I didn’t wear make up, I refused to participate in activities that held no interest for me or discernible point. I liked to knit. I liked show tunes. I was loud in an effort to hide my fears and insecurities. And I was accutely aware that my brother disliked me fiercely me and made no bones about telling everyone or mocking and belittling me in public and he couldn’t even say why (he still hates me, by the way). I don’t understand why. Not really, though I have some ideas. It is difficult though because to move forward, I need some sort of acknowledgement. It doesn’t have to be an apology or even an explanation but my mother and I were able to say to one another that we understood that we had each had different experiences of the same situation and that we could agree to disagree, that our perspectives were shaped by our ages, our experience, our emotions, and our immediate circumstances.

I am not angry. I have nothing to be angry about. I can’t ‘fix’ something if I don’t know what is broken and he is not talking. I am sad, and profoundly disappointed. He is missing out on my son’s life and he is robbing his daughter an opportunity to know us.

And it wasn’t all fraught interactions. I have clear memories of some lovely moments – there are even a couple of photos. I wonder if I would be so sad if there hadn’t been any of those.

I am tired today. No. No, I’m weary. I have been battling a cycling series of hayfever symptoms for months now and the unusual heat is sapping me of my energy.

I am melancholy too. This last week or so has been… emotional and I am so very out of practice with the random tears and crazy rambling of high emotion. It’s one of the things I dislike about taking medication for my mental health. They soften the edges of the depression and anxiety but there’s a thin blanket over all of my emotions.

I just want to be ‘normal’. I want to be free of the anxiety and the paranoia and the sense of failure that is spreading like cancer through my bones. They are hollow wishes though and ones that I need to let go of to start working toward ‘healthy’.

I don’t want to be sad any more.

nails - 16july2014

So I painted my finger nails which is a nice start to trying to feel better. Pretty, aren’t they?

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