Day 91

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Today has been exceptionally bad. I have been home alone since Tuesday. Some days I have trouble being at home on my own while my husband is at work so you can imagine what has resulted from a whole week. I’ve been ambushed by sobbing  tears that didn’t seem to have an end only to have them stop suddenly and start  again 15 minutes later. I need a medication re-evalution but am extremely reluctant to do it at the moment. We’ve been on an emotional roller coaster with Social Services for the last 18 months and this week it finally ended. Not the way we wanted but not in a bad way. They have to leave us alone for the time being but getting to this point involved what limited  self-esteem I had been shredded on a regular basis and the frustration of dealing with people who claim to be working for the best outcome for your family but ignoring anything they’re told by professionals and otherwise if it didn’t fit with what they’d decided was the situation.

Long and the short of it is that I’m still trying to find my feet, that there is distress over the outcome, relief at the outcome, guilt and sorrow, and of course self-blame – if I’d been better, if I could just put the illness aside and get on with it etc. But of course, I have already discussed this and intellectually I know that there are a lot of factors, and that despite this situation my family is stronger than ever.

I think the turmoil I am currently experiencing is because, now that it’s done, my heart has peeked out of the cupboard it’s been hiding in and decided it’s safe to come out. And it’s found devastation.

And during all of this, I completed an access course to bridge the gap between finishing high school many years ago and where I’d need to be to start an Engineering degree. I got my results back this week and was stunned and delighted to not only pass but get an overall mark of 91 which earned me a Distinction! When I finished High School I was focussed on Humanities subjects – Music, Modern History and English – so moving on to a science degree is taking a very difference direction. Now I have to wait to start until I have the money for the course.

So, speaking of bridges, Billy Joel’s 1986 album ‘The Bridge’ is a constant in my collection. I am particularly fond of the song ‘Code of Silence’ as much for the lyrics as for Cyndi Lauper’s counterpoint in the chorus.

Can you believe I’ve been doing this blog for 3 months now? We’re “celebrating” with a green rectangle.

day 91

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