Day 105

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Another song for when things are Not Ok, and even when it is. I love Paramore’s music. I love that it rocks. I love that Hayley is pretty and wears t-shirts and jeans. I love that I can sing along.

This one is called ‘Pressure’. I’m feeling weighed under by it today.

I hate feeling sick with worry most especially when I don’t know where the worry is coming from. I can’t stop it if I don’t know how it started. And, of course, worrying about that just makes it worse still. You know,  I don’t even wish I were well. That’s just a pipe dream these days. I just don’t want to feel like this any more. I don’t want my jaw and shoulders to ache from tension, or my gut to be cramped with anxiety.

Please don’t think that I am waiting for a miracle cure. I know that to get through this is largely up to me but there is a chasm between where I am and where I need to be to be able to do the things I need to to get out of this mindset. Sometimes it feels worse to know that, to have been on the other side of the yawning gap and to have it far behind me and know how much nicer it is over there. But right in this moment, the chains holding me here are many and so very heavy.

I haven’t crafting a stitch today. I’m still trying to talk myself into knitting today’s trapezoid……

I’m going to restart the free meditation programme at Headspace then pick up the blanket and do the knitting. Be right back…

I’m still restless and unhappy but the meditation helped. so trapezoid today….. Pink is a happy colour for me and I wanted to be cheered up.

day105

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