Day 106

Standard

So, it would seem that yesterday’s Not Ok-ness was an emotional release valve. Today was very quiet and Not Interesting At All but the darkness I was feeling smothered by yesterday is nowhere to be found. Thank Goodness.

While I have my ups and downs, often within the same 60 minutes and several times a day, yesterday was different. I remember going through this ‘tension and release’ cycle a lot when I was in my teens. And it’s an actual physical sensation to accompany the emotional upheaval. I think the best way to describe it to liken it to a weight being lifted but that’s not quite it either. Perhaps it is like having the light turned on in a dim room….. I really can’t describe it except to say that my head and heart feel different in a good way.

It didn’t return my desire to Craft but I sent less time staring aimlessly in the direction of the wall so that’s something.

It occurred to me yesterday that there has been a very good indicator of my overall mood happening and I had almost missed it. I love my birthday – it’s the one day in the year when people make an effort to be happy that I am in the world and there are cake and presents and my hubby usually takes the day off and I have counted down to it from as many as 10 weeks most of my life.

I realised today that my birthday is next Saturday and I don’t actually care.

So yeah, something still isn’t right in my noggin. I need to speak to my doctor about seeing a therapist again. It helps to have someone to oversee my wellbeing, who gives me a target to work toward. The confusion that accompanies my apparently random mood swings, reactions and responses abates when there is someone helping unravel them. That feeling is often as much a problem as the anxiety and depression.

Welcome to my brief moment of clarity.

Shakespeare’s Sister. One half of this pair was once one-third of Bananarama (yeah, I had to check that spelling several times). This song, ‘Stay’, is one that I have always loved. The video is kooky and slightly scary, the song is beautiful and has an interesting duality. It’s this duality that called to me today. The struggle to function ‘normally’ often feels like the struggle between the two characters in this video. The depression is blinding and strangely hypnotic, while ‘normalcy’ is calm but still manages to feel a little desperate. Or perhaps the desperate is my desire to hold on to it.

Anyway, this song is pretty terrific and has meant different things to me at different times in my life. I imagine that will continue long beyond today’s frustration.

day106

A simple rectangle today, which was a relief. I love the trapezoid shape but it can be tricky to get it to work when you can’t concentrate so well.

 

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