For the betterment of my mind

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Three months is a long time to spend in hospital and it messes with your head. Since coming home in January, I have faced a deeper type of depression than ever before as I try to reestablish myself. I will likely always be susceptible to pain in my abdomen from the damage my pancreas took. I will likely always live with the fear of the return of the indescribable pain that sent me back to the hospital. But in the more immediate future I am dealing with the frustration of waiting for my gall bladder to be removed. I have heard nothing from the doctors since February, despite my efforts to the contrary and this is amping up the fear that I will end up in hospital again with the same problem. It also means that despite increasing discomfort in my back, I won’t be going to the osteopath to get it sorted (it was immediately after my last appointment that this all started and though I’m not saying the treatment was the cause, I do worry that it shifted something that acted as a catalyst).

Logically, I know that I’m giving this all too much space in my head but emotionally… well, it’s not great. I find myself staring for hours at blank walls on bad days and there are more of those than ever. I find that often, any positive event is followed by a disproportionately low period. My ability to focus and concentrate is sporadic and very short. And worst of all, I find it difficult to enjoy my crafting in the same way which takes away most of my personal productivity.

I’m working with a therapist on CBT but I’m not sure, in fact I’m fairly certain that now is not the best time for this. I am already vulnerable and unsettled, and the trigger is something that I cannot resolve on my own.

I don’t know where I’m going with all of this, or even what it all means but I’m hoping that venting here will help me some.

I have a new long-term project. A friend in my knitting group showed us a crocheted blanket she was working on and my friend G and I decided to get the kit and make our own. She’ll need some crochet lessons but it’s a simple pattern repeated several times on every row so the paper pattern is really only needed for the colour order. It’s this pattern/kit by Attic24 (I have no affiliation with Wool Warehouse but can tell you that my order with them was a smooth transaction and arrived quickly).

I’m 2 rows in but have crocheted as much as three – I missed a stitch at the beginning of the first row but didn’t notice until I’d reached the end and I’m enjoying it a lot more than I expected to. 200 stitches is a lot more than I usually work with.

Things I’m trying to do to regain some control over my scatter brain :

* daily journal/planner that allows me to record mood, craft/education, tasks, cleaning and eating/medication.

* limiting the number of projects I work on for any given craft. For example, in my work bag I have 1 knitted shawl (Solar Flare), 1 knitting design (a headband and it’s variations), 1 art therapy colouring page, 1 large crochet project (ripple blanket). This is enough to keep me entertained and give me some choices but doesn’t overwhelm me (and some days, just choosing which coloured pencil to use is too much).

* going to therapy

* going to my knitting groups

* spending time with my friends outside those groups.

It probably looks like a pretty regular sort of plan to most of you. It’s a lot of hard work for me. Trying to rein in my attention is exhausting.

Day 112

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My husband is awesome. 

We knew roughly where to look for my shawl but it was decided that I was unlikely to respond well if I went to look and didn’t find it so he went into town to see if it could be found. To everyone’s delight and relief, it had been picked up and put on a fence railing. He took it with him to work then brought it home with him and it’s none the worse for wear. So relieved.

I suppose it’s silly to be attached to something like this but I guess we all do it whether it’s with a teddy bear or a photo or the way something is organised. This shawl gets a lot of compliments and is something that gives me great pleasure because it is lightweight, warm, and bright and because it is something I laboured to create.6ply-shawl It’s also the largest shawl I own and have often eschewed sweaters and cardigans in favour of it.

Anyway, it’s home now.

It did create an unusual situation for me. As you know, I was trying to decide if I wanted to make a shawl similar to it and what yarn I would use. Sometime ago I bought 3 balls of a 6ply sock yarn with the intent of designing a shawl to showcase it. Today, I was unable to work on anything because I was feeling a physical compulsion to knit this yarn into a shawl like the formally lost one. I  cleaned, I sorted my knitting bag, I prepared dinner and could not shake the feeling that I needed to cast on this shawl. I have so many projects already in the works that I really struggled against the idea of starting yet another project but couldn’t settle into anything until late this afternoon when I finally gave in and started knitting.

Isn’t it pretty?

I added two rectangle to the blanket again today to make up for yesterday’s missed piece…

day 111-112

I’ve not seen the movie ‘Pitch Perfect’  but somewhere on my social media feeds I was directed to this song by Anna Kendrick and I really liked it. Now I’m paying it forward 😉