Day 184

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For a blog that I started largely as an accountability platform for a year-long knitting project, I get more followers because of, and likes on the posts I make about my mental health. I hope that, for those who need it, I am helping in someway and that, for those who don’t need it, it will help you when dealing with someone in your life who exhibits similar behaviours.

I don’t consider my mental state to be a ‘problem’ any more than someone with diabetes or epilepsy might. I take medication to balance out a biological deficiency – I take iron pills as well as mood stabilisers and I consider them both this way.

Or course, I would prefer to not need them and every day I struggle with the act of actually taking them. I hate that I need them but I hate the person I become without them – without the iron I am always exhausted; without the mood stabilisers I am a dervish of nonsensical emotion and distractibility; without the blood pressure meds I would very likely have a stroke; without the stomach acid protection I wouldn’t be able to consume food or drink (seriously, not even milk or mashed potato). I know what I take and why I take it and it is that knowledge that has me downing the medication every day.

Speaking of medication, I had to dig out the paracetamol and buscopan today. The pain was so bad I was considering opening the huge bottle of oxycodone the hospital sent me home with. Not so bad I considered calling the hospital but I slept for 4 hours this afternoon. I did wake up pain free so I’m calling it a success.

No knitting because of it though. Sitting up is still awkward and things are still tense in my torso. And no knitting because I can’t think of any music to share. I know – I’m dropping the ball here. Still trying to get my groove back I guess. It’s been less than a month since I got home though.

Day 175

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I finally left the house today after a week and a half at home. Yes, I went to knitting group. It was nice to have everyone glad to see me though retelling the story of my illness with 3 or 4 attentive listeners was a bit weird. It was also felt a bit odd how many of them commented on how much weight I must have lost. I did lose weight in hospital but I am still morbidly obese and I do not recommend my weight loss program. Basically, I can’t see a difference and I wonder if they do because I’ve been away for 3 months.

Afterward, I met up with Gladys at Waterstones so that we could catch up – she wasn’t one of the attentive listeners but had been one of my hospital visitors. I am always surprised by the genuine affection non-family members show me. One of the staff members was so happy to see me, I got a hug.

It was a lovely day but I am exhausted this evening so there is no knitting in favour of sleeping.

Day 153

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No blanket photo today. I’m not sure what I was thinking when I created the plan to have a triangle worked in this direction but it needs a new pattern and I can’t think it through tonight.

I had a good day at knitting including selling the green and pink shawl I’ve been knitting. Got some food shopping done, bought some awesome new false nails and pink hair dye, and had a surprise visit from friends after dinner. But my neck and upper back won’t relax and I’ve had a headache developing for the last three days. It’s not very strong but it’s persistent and distracting. There will be graphing and calculating tomorrow to make it work

Oh! And I got the motor details wrong the other day. We’re looking to get a brushless motor for the e-spinner, which I think is going to need yet another reworking of the housing. It will be worth it. And we still haven’t spent half of the cost of a commercially made one.

Heard an old favourite while shopping today and I fancy something uplifting tonight. I really enjoy singing along to Des’ree. India Arie is very similar I think. Uncomplicated music with positive, melodic vocals. This song in particular was a positive for me during my teens when I felt most isolated from my peer group and alien in the world around me. It’s about the same time that I decided I was who I am and that I wasn’t going to change. But more than that, I refused to be told that who I was and how I felt was wrong. It’s not that simple in the moment to moment but it’s a desire, and a determination at my core. And when it comes to my precarious grip on my mental health, this is desperately important. It’s hard enough working through that mental mine field without also having to negotiate the lies we tell ourselves.

Anyway, Des’ree – You Gotta Be