Day 184

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For a blog that I started largely as an accountability platform for a year-long knitting project, I get more followers because of, and likes on the posts I make about my mental health. I hope that, for those who need it, I am helping in someway and that, for those who don’t need it, it will help you when dealing with someone in your life who exhibits similar behaviours.

I don’t consider my mental state to be a ‘problem’ any more than someone with diabetes or epilepsy might. I take medication to balance out a biological deficiency – I take iron pills as well as mood stabilisers and I consider them both this way.

Or course, I would prefer to not need them and every day I struggle with the act of actually taking them. I hate that I need them but I hate the person I become without them – without the iron I am always exhausted; without the mood stabilisers I am a dervish of nonsensical emotion and distractibility; without the blood pressure meds I would very likely have a stroke; without the stomach acid protection I wouldn’t be able to consume food or drink (seriously, not even milk or mashed potato). I know what I take and why I take it and it is that knowledge that has me downing the medication every day.

Speaking of medication, I had to dig out the paracetamol and buscopan today. The pain was so bad I was considering opening the huge bottle of oxycodone the hospital sent me home with. Not so bad I considered calling the hospital but I slept for 4 hours this afternoon. I did wake up pain free so I’m calling it a success.

No knitting because of it though. Sitting up is still awkward and things are still tense in my torso. And no knitting because I can’t think of any music to share. I know – I’m dropping the ball here. Still trying to get my groove back I guess. It’s been less than a month since I got home though.

Day 183

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I’m struggling with my ability to concentrate and it means I’m forgetting every day things, like taking my medication each day. I don’t mean medication related to my recent hospital stay. This is the stuff I’ve been taking for years.

But then, I’m not sleeping properly so it isn’t really a surprise. Though I have been eating well, so that’s something.

I was too tired and a little bit fragile so I didn’t go to the Thursday knitting group today. Not that there was any money to go out – the day before payday is always a bit tricky financially. Trying to decide if I want to go out tomorrow or not. I’ve had very minor pain/cramping in the areas that hurt when I was in the hospital. The discomfort is less of a problem than the fear and panic that wells up when the pain starts. I haven’t been needing pain relief more than twice a week since leaving the hospital 3 weeks ago so the fear is largely unfounded. I’m trying not to think about how the pain that needed morphine started out small.

Maybe I’ve been on my own too much lately. Computer games aren’t distraction enough obviously and I’m too much in my own head.

I’m keeping up with the blanket though so yay me 🙂 Lovely bold stripes today.

Day 183

Day 175

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I finally left the house today after a week and a half at home. Yes, I went to knitting group. It was nice to have everyone glad to see me though retelling the story of my illness with 3 or 4 attentive listeners was a bit weird. It was also felt a bit odd how many of them commented on how much weight I must have lost. I did lose weight in hospital but I am still morbidly obese and I do not recommend my weight loss program. Basically, I can’t see a difference and I wonder if they do because I’ve been away for 3 months.

Afterward, I met up with Gladys at Waterstones so that we could catch up – she wasn’t one of the attentive listeners but had been one of my hospital visitors. I am always surprised by the genuine affection non-family members show me. One of the staff members was so happy to see me, I got a hug.

It was a lovely day but I am exhausted this evening so there is no knitting in favour of sleeping.

Day 169

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Yep, I’m a day out so today you get a large triangle and a regular rectangle. But the triangle is too small so I’ll be trying again with that tomorrow only this time I’ll actually work the pattern out instead of just making it up as I go. I may just have to knit it separately and sew it on like I did with the last one but I don’t think so. Just have to work out where and how to start then I’ll be grand.

Here’s the two new pieces in situ. The triangle is obvious, the rectangle is… actually, it’s obvious too (and I apologise for the quality of this photo).

day168-169

You can see how the triangle doesn’t fit properly at all. I’ll have to ‘crunch some numbers’. There is a lot more basic math involved in designing with sticks and string than you’d think.

Also, here’s the updated plan. You can compare it to the original below it in the photo.

plan-update

Not a big change but it was enough to confuse me after a 3 month break.

P.S. I have added the photo to yesterdays post.

Day 167

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I can’t remember how I did this. Joining them together as you go when it’s square shapes is easy but trying to remember how I did it with trapezoids at right angles to each other is driving me a little crazy. Yes, I did document it here but, for the life of me, I can’t find the post…

Second attempt and I think I’ve got it. I hope I’ve got it.

Nope. I’ve miscounted somewhere and it’s all gone pear-shaped again. I’ll try again but no photo tonight.

EDIT: Actually, I did get it right but still no photo. My phone is flat so I’ve got no camera.

My poor brain is so easily overwhelmed right now….